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General Discussion / Re: Depression and anxiety after first child

« Last post by rssooner on September 06, 2020, 07:11:13 AM »

Jonas,

First, congratulations on your daughter.  Being a father is the most rewarding and challenging thing you can ever do.  Second, you must believe me when I say you are not alone on how you feel and the struggles that you are facing being a new father.  I am a firm believer in that the fathers that struggle the most are the ones that are a bit more of a "control freak" when it comes to organizing their lives, etc.  Not a control freak in controlling others but more in the way things are planned out, organized, etc.  When a child arrives it completely destroys that "controlled lifestyle".  You are now the one being controlled by a cute, sweet, adorable, crying, no sleeping, pooping bundle of love. LOL.  I was the exact same way!  So you are not alone!

You must take a step back and take a deep breath.  You are a good father because you care so much.  You came to this site because you know in your heart that you don't want to think this way.  Like I have mentioned, it takes so much more of a man to realize you are not where you want to be and do something about it versus just keep doing what you're doing and "tough it out".

I am not a licensed therapist so my input is strictly from my own experiences so take it from that perspective.  You may consider some anti-anxiety medication to help get you through this challenging time as a new father.  You may also consider some therapy.  For some reason you have developed a false belief system and I did the same thing.  At times I still do.  What I mean by this is that when events happen in your life (could be very simple things) you automatically go to a negative belief/thought.  For example, you said you text your wife and if she doesn't reply within 30 seconds you get extremely anxious, etc. because she may be struggling with your daughter and something bad may be happening.  You came to this belief based on NO true facts to support it.  You automatically went there.  Who knows, they may of been playing together, napping, etc.  Does that make sense?  So many times when we assume things are bad, they aren't.  You told us that your wife is doing great and she seems to be enjoying being a new mom but you doubt she is telling you the truth.  You doubt her because of the negative beliefs you place in your head with NO true facts to support them.

Being new parents will have it's great rewards as well as make you question what the heck were we thinking starting a family...again, all normal thoughts.  However, if you don't change the way you are thinking then you will not enjoy being a father.  You will look back with regrets.  Just enjoy the ride!  You don't have to have all the answers.  I promise you..you will not have them.  If your daughter is healthy, is eating, sleeping at times, etc. then you and your wife are doing all you can to care for her.  Now just mentally enjoy being a father and it will all work out...

I truly hope this helps you.  You will be just fine. 

Best,
rssooner

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General Discussion / Depression and anxiety after first child

« Last post by Jones85 on September 03, 2020, 01:28:35 PM »

Hi all.

My name is Jonas, im 35 years old and from Belgium. I came across this website and forum some days ago when searching on the internet for some hope and explanation.

My wife gave birth to our first child 6 weeks ago. Before that we went to fertility treatment for 3 years and then suddenly we got pregnant all naturally against all odds. Most of the pregnancy went well, but during week 33 my wife got preeclampsia and therefor she ended up giving birth week 37 - 3 weeks early. My newborn daughter was 3,2 punds. It was an exhausting week with no sleep in the days up to the birth and also in the days after, because my wife was sick. Luckily my wife and daughter are both perfectly fine now.

But im not... I have always been a perfectionist, a control freak and a person not suited for an unpredictable life. I have never been good with sudden changes of life events and I have managed to plan and control my life for me to be calm and secure, without any big surprises. I have had problems with anxiety before - mostly in connection with my work and the need to perform perfectly. I have always been able to cope or to get rid of my anxiety by quitting my job or taking a long brake. In life if I was not comfortable I always changed something, eliminated the source or removed myself from it.

But that is not possible now. I can't stop this or press pause. I can't just quit. My daughter is born and she will be here no matter what. 4-5 weeks after the birth I startet getting that same anxiety and panic attacks, but this time 10 times more powerful. I was starting to fear that my daughter was not well, was not growing fast enough, was not sleeping enough and that she would not develop correctly. Every time a new thing happen I search the internet for if its normal or how it should be and I can not relax until its like that. I get panic attacks if my daughter wakes up because she is supposed to sleep. I can't relax when she is sleeping, because im afraid she will wake up. I get anxiety and panic attacks when she cries, because I think she's not well. Im afraid that she's not eating enough and not gaining enough weight. Im afraid to try and calm her down because im afraid of failing and not be able to calm her. Every time she makes a noise I get anxiety attacks. Im only calm when she's sleeping heavily for several hours.

These thoughts have left me in a depressed and anxious state of mind. The every day life of a father makes me anxious and my anxiety makes me depressed. For the last week I had to leave my house and sleep at my parents house because I was a mess and got panic attacks. I couldn't be in my own house because my daughter was there.

What causes a big part of my depression is giult towards my wife. The feeling of leaving my wife behind and alone with our daughter is killing me. The thought of her sitting at home alone with our crying daughter. The feeling of me failing and not being there to support her. I have cried several times the last weeks - every time when thinking of how Im letting my wife down. I see her in my mind getting no sleep and trying to calm down our crying daughter. If I sent her a text message and she's not responding within 30 seconds I get anxiety, because I think my daughter is crying and my wife is struggling to calm her down all alone.

My wife is 100% supportive and knows how I feel. She was actually the one telling me to go to my parents house to sleep, so I could calm my anxiety and relax. Also she said it was easier for her to take care of our daughter without having to worry about me at the same time. She tells me that she has everything under control and that she is okay. That she has the support from her parents and my parents. That she is not even close to breaking down and this is all how it should be with our daughter. That it os totally normal. I have never doubted my wife and she seems 100% sincere, but my depression and anxiety tells me that she is only saying these things to calm me down. I fear that she will break down because of the lack of support from my side and because im sick.

Im not sure how I will get through this. If I will ever be able to cope with being a parent - with all the worries that goes along. I tell myself that it will be better when my daughter gets older, but im not sure. I hope so.

Thats my story and why Im here. Maybe some of you a tried something similar and can guide me. If not I hope that if someone is having the same struggle as me they can see that they are not alone.

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General Discussion / Welcome To The NEW Forum, Dads! Please Join The Discussion

« Last post by DrWill on September 03, 2020, 08:38:58 AM »

Hi, there.

Given that you’ve found yourself here, congratulations are likely in order. So, congratulations on the birth of your new child or children.

But since you’re here, it’s also likely you’re struggling with being a father right now. If that’s the case, you’re definitely not alone. And you certainly don’t have to continue to struggle alone!

I’m sorry to say that this Forum, first set up in 2017, used to be a fantastic resource and an enormous source of support to dads with new babies. Sadly, when we migrated our website and the forum to a new platform, we lost thousands and thousands of posts – which had been incredibly valuable to all the dads who were able to access them.

I know it's a little daunting to get the discussion going at first. But once dads get started talking here, there's A LOT of support and dialogue to be had. Trust me. So, I encourage you to jump in.

And many thanks to Rob, who has always been the most active member on the Forum. He’s provided help, guidance, support and encouragement to many, many dads. He’s also been a strong and vocal advocate in bringing attention to PPND. I’m grateful that he once again took the initiative to kick things off on this new Forum. I’m sure he’d be glad to hear from you.

Wishing all of you the best with fatherhood!

Dr. Will

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General Discussion / Welcome Fathers

« Last post by rssooner on August 16, 2020, 06:27:14 AM »

Hello everyone.  I wanted to post a welcome to each of you as you come to this site.  Even though the site is quiet now, it was such a huge help to me when I became a father back in 2008 and I hope it picks up.  Let me tell you briefly about my story.  Some of you may feel it's a story you can relate to.  Regardless, if you are here because you are a father and having challenges being a new father then I would post here and get support.

Here's my story... I was so excited to be a father.  We knew we were having a boy and the thoughts of all the things we would do together throughout our lives excited me.  I was a very involved father-to-be.  My son was born and it was an amazing time.  I was very involved at the hospital and the first 2 weeks at home (I took 2 weeks off from work).  Like almost every parent, I was getting no sleep and walking around like a zombie. 

We had a celebration about 2 weeks after my son was born with friends and family.  As everyone was leaving (especially my friends who came in from out of town) all of a sudden, I felt a huge sense of being left behind..I wanted to go with them to "escape" and I thought the specific situation I was in (the lack of sleep, lack of being able to do things, not working, etc.) would NEVER end.  I felt trapped and a HUGE feeling of anxiety and panic came over me.  For the next few days I was in bad shape.  Very depressed, crying, confused, sad and probably the biggest feeling was guilt.  I couldn't believe I was feeling this way.  I wanted to be a great father and I was feeling like I was failing myself, my son, my wife and others.

After about a week or two I couldn't snap out of it.  I got online and found this website.  I thought...Wow!  There were other men feeling the same as me.  It was a great feeling to know I wasn't alone and it made me feel that I was not a bad father.  It motivated me to get some therapy and get prescribed some anti-depressants and anit-anxiety medication.  After about a month I was back to my old self. I continued the theryapy and medication for almost a year to make sure I didn't fall back to those negative thoughts.  Don't get me wrong, being a parent is probably the most difficult job you can do but it's the most rewarding and it's the most important thing you can do. 

If you are not feeling "right", post here and hopefully you can get some needed support.  It takes more of a man to get help and be a better father than it does to just sit back and hope your depression, etc. passes. 

Dr. Courtenay has played a big part in this for me.  Because of him, I have done interviews with many magazines and tv shows in order to reach fathers that may be struggling.  I have heard back from some folks saying how much they appreciated me talking about it and how it helped them get help.

All the best in being a father.  It is an amazing ride. 

Best,
Rob